“Our life changes constantly, everything is nothing but change.
We shouldn’t attach to anything but neither resist it, we must live deeply.”
- Antonio Jorge Larruy
I love that quote, and at the same time it points to one of the ongoing lessons I’m learning in life. How to live deeply while navigating non-attachment? How to consciously embrace change with all it brings?
The ones, who know me well, know that I’m the first to cry when saying goodbye. I get really moved by the people who enter my life and touch my heart, and letting them go does bring up strong emotions. Both when it comes to friendships and more intimate relations. However with intimate relations I’ve noticed how they trigger all the shadows and the old wounds I carry inside: fear of abandonment, fear of rejection and feelings of unworthiness. I find myself experiencing feelings of neediness and insecurity. I feel more raw and vulnerable.
When I’m really honest I know that part of me does everything to resist change. Looking closer at this reaction I see that it’s fear working from a place of self-deception believing it’s able to be in control. In reality it’s quite impossible, I can only take action and respond to what is given. Very little is in my actual control.
Traveling extensively and living in a city with a large international community where people come and go frequently has been a perfect playground to experience, practice and explore all the nuances of attachment and non-attachment.
I’ve had resistance to the actual notion of non-attachment, it sounds quite cold to me and almost like an excuse for not caring. What has made it resonate is to see attachment as being a combination of control and expectations. In that sense non-attachment has nothing to do with feeling less or closing myself off. The path to non-attachment for me comes through feeling it all and being open – even though it doesn’t always look pretty.
By connecting to my inner child I’ve become more aware of the deep fears and conditioning that I carry. Giving voice to the needs of the inner child has been a powerful practice that I continue to explore.
We all carry unconscious patterns and default emotional responses that most clearly come up in relations to others, when it’s not possible to hide. It can be our opportunity to shed light on what is actually there.
By investigating what I’m feeling in the moment I’m triggered – what are the beliefs in my mind? What am I telling myself? What am I projecting onto someone else? I can see more clearly the voice of the small fearful child that is speaking. I can then comfort this part of me, holding it with love and compassion. Eventually it leads me to understand my reactions and triggers better, enabling me to take responsibility for my own emotions.
In relation to connecting to others and developing emotional bonds I’ve come to accept that I feel things deeply, and the answer is not to try to change or resist this. Instead to allow it all to be there, and let the sadness and pain move through me as a token for the love shared and the life lived fully. I’m learning to become less afraid of my own emotions, and that makes them have a lot less power over me. They are faster to emerge and faster to pass, but only because they are allowed to be.
Moving past the fears, I see that life keeps showing me that if I’m open and allow the flow in, I’ll keep receiving beautiful gift encounters with people who touch my heart, enrich life and bring joy and growth along the journey.
If you wish to connect to your inner child’s voice and understand sides of yourself better, I can hold the space for you. Read more and get in touch here.